I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
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You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows