Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
You Might Also Like
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
Which wines pair best with gloating?
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do