I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
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“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
If you want my opinion ask my wife
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
disney ceo: live action little mermaid
animator: yep
ceo: it’s in the ocean
animator: got it
ceo: coral reefs
animator: understood
ceo: lots of fish
animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”
…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.