*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
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So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
He wanted to make sure😂
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back