I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
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WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.