The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
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Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
[Ferrari dealership]
ME: How much for this red one?
SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny
ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*
SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.