men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
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So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
Proofread twice, hang posters once
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
Dearest Emma,
The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting