me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
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I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.