I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
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Amazon Review: Ghost costume
⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not RecommendPoorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.