The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
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I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
How do you milk an almond?
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now