I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
You Might Also Like
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus