I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
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i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.
Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.
Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?
Date: I’m sorry… what?
Me: Worse rooster shear?
Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.