What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
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Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.