Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
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Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
Me: Coke please
Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?
Me: Why yes, yes it is
Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
next question.
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient