I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
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[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE