People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
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Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
How can I say no to this ?
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
“i miss shittin on people”