I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
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[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.