The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
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9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
RT if you could go either way.
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.