What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
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DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
A family that plays together cheats.
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”