If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
You Might Also Like
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
men, we mow at sunrise.
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.