i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
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[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
Love is always patient and kind.
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
I used to be married, but I’m better now
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!