*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
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Hard not to take this personally
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!