If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
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Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
I know karate and tons of other words.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again