Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
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“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
No. YOU-buprofen.
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of