Hmmmmm
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Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.
Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.
Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.