Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
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If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how to spell it
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07