The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
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Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
christening a ship with an overripe banana
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.