Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?
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Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
titanic
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.