Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
You Might Also Like
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.