[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
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to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
My workout goals are simple: I’d just like to be able to get up off the floor without looking like a turtle trying to flip itself back over.
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate