wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
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The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?
Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years
Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?
Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen
Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?
Me:
Her: when’s my birthday Kyle
Me:
Me: happy b-
Her: it was yesterday
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
[eye doctor’s office]
receptionist: do you have vision insurance
me: yup *hands over card*
receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate
me: but my eyes are in my body
receptionist:
me: and they’re unhealthy
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.