This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
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I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
Lmfaoooooo
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?