Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
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I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people