*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
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Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
crazy
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
I did not eat the cake…
[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool