Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
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The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
All is fair in drunk and war.
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Bird of peace?
The doveBird of war?
The hawkBird of true love?
..wait for it…
….
The swallow
*walks offstage
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.