Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
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Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
Taco Bell, Exit 22
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.