Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
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One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.