*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
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“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
God has left this place
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45