My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
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*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.