me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
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Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
It do be feeling this way.
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them