Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..
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A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.