wtf management?!
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I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
Can’t stop laughing
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
Dearest Emma,
The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]