[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
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I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.