Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait911: *sigh* did he have –
Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again
You Might Also Like
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.