I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
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me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.
Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’
Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’
Cashier: ‘Eh?’
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.