Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
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I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
PER MY LAST EMAIL
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
I have 12 days until I have to change my password at work and can’tuse any of the last 15 passwords I have used, long story short, I’m going to need a new job.
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
Me: Maybe it’s the weed talking but your apartment seems enormous
IKEA Manager: Sir.
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
man: wait
time: no
we did it you guys we saved daylight
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.