The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
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“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
*weighs self after shaving
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.