God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
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I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
[town square in a thunderstorm]
Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.
His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrellaGalileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*
Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile