Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
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I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
Pigeon open mic night.
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
Admin smashed it 😂
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.