Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
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[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
Spotted in New Orleans.
My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket